Thursday, March 24, 2016

I am Sailor Vulcan!

Hi! I'm Sailor Vulcan, champion of justice and reason! Welcome to my--What? Why are you staring at me like that? Hey, it's not my fault that my uniform is unprofessional, flashy and borderline sexually provocative! It came with the Sailor Senshi transformation, and I can't change it. No really, I can't. Believe me I tried. If I could fight evil without wearing a miniskirt, I totally would. Anyways, welcome to my--Stop laughing! Okay, you are not welcome to my blog. Go away.

I mean it, go away. There's nothing remotely interesting for you to see here. Just a bunch of boring, obscure and excessively complicated nerdy stuff, like literature, science, philosophy, rationality, customizable strategy gaming and anything else I feel like writing about.

No seriously, go away. This blog is largely for those unfathomable people who actually like thinking and learning about cool shit, and you, being a normal person hate thinking and learning for the boring waste of time that they really are.

If you don't leave my blog in 5 seconds I'm going to call the cops because you are trespassing ON MY SOUL.

5...
4...
3...
2...
1...

Time's up! Okay, you asked for it...

WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM TO GIVE YOU AN URGENT WARNING MESSAGE OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE.

Oh come on! I was just about to kick someone off my blog!

THE DEVIL HAS ESCAPED HIS CONFINEMENT. CODE-1337, LIONS ARE SNEAKY BASTARDS. SOMEBODY CALL THE WATCHER.

Wild Devil appeared!
oooooo


Go! Pikablu!

Pikablu, use Water Gun!

But nothing happened!

The Devil used Skepticism...

Pikablu was identified!

Pikablu doesn't exist!

Pikablu used self-destruct!

But nothing happened!

Pikablu doesn't exist!

The Devil punches you instead.

It's a one-hit KO!

Choose next Pokemon?

No?

Can't escape!

Choose next Pokemon!

Go! Sailor Vulcan!

...WHAT? Why are you choosing me? Since when am I a Pokemon?

Oh yes that's right, humans ARE Pokemon. Didn't you know?
Game Theory--Humans are Pokemon
(on Game Theory, the famous Matt Patt's youtube channel. His theories don't always hold up, but this one seems pretty solid.)

Oh before I go on, I should mention that I don't own Pokemon, Sailor Moon, Star Trek, Improbable Island, or anything else which I did not come up with.

Also...

Sailor Vulcan used skepticism!

The Devil doesn't exist!

The Devil is suffering existential horror!

The Devil was hurt by its existential horror!
oo----

Go Ultra ball!

The Ultra Ball won't obey you. You don't have enough badges.

Dammit. Go Pokeball!

Have you ever wondered why, if humans are pokemon, pokeballs don't work on them? Maybe it's because pokeballs require voice command to catch something, not just being thrown. That might explain why anyone would say "Go! Pokeball!" like talking to your pokeballs was perfectly normal.

Pokeball, where can I hide a dead body?

Yes, that really was one of the questions that everybody asked their iPhones when the iPhone first came out. No, I'm not joking. People thought it was funny. I'm pretty sure this was before people started getting so worried about NSA surveillance.

*NSAgent22 has entered this blog*

NSAgent22:You have nothing to worry about if you have nothing to hide.

What?

NSAgent22: *stares hungrily at the hot man in the pretty sailor suit.* You have nothing to worry about if you have nothing to hide.

PERVERT!

NSAgent22: *waits patiently for Sailor Vulcan to remove his miniskirt and stop hiding his

Stop ogling me and get off my blog!

*NSAgent22 has left the blog*

Whew. Hopefully he's actually gone now...

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